Tiny Toilet Stalls and Teachers with Guns

Lena Arnold



Okay, I have put this off for far too long. I can’t hold it any longer. I have to talk about tiny toilet stalls.

So there I was in the middle of Black Panther, when that extra large icee, that I really had no business drinking anyway, finally worked it’s way through me. I tried to hold out until the movie hit a boring spot (it never did) allowing me to feel like I could go without missing something important.

Eventually I had to go, and when I did I remembered another reason why I hate going to theater restrooms. Oh who am I kidding, pretty much ALL public bathrooms-TINY TOILET STALLS!

OMG! Seriously! Who designs these things? I know it’s those tiny little people from that show! They’re trying to get us back for the Barnum and Bailey exploitation. For the record, it wasn’t me. I wasn’t even born then. Don’t blame me for what my ancestors did. (Hmm, this sounds familiar.)

But I digress.

Okay, so I’m not fat, but I am a (plus size woman) I put that in parenthesis because I still don’t know who decided that I am plus sized, because when I was growing up I was “big boned.” Which I guess was supposed to be a nice way of saying you ain’t skinny, but you sho’ nuff not fat either. But these bathrooms ain’t made for us big boned girls. They are made for skinny teens, Asians, and garden gnomes; and it’s not fair because us “plus size” American women outnumber them all. In concrete numbers and weight-so why are these bathroom stalls so tiny? ARRRGGGHHHHH!

So I wanna apologize to all the disabled people in advance, ‘cause I’m gonna use your stall. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. I’ll try to be fast so I don’t inconvenience you, but you gotta understand, my butt cannot take rubbing up against the toilet paper holder another day; and it is a really icky feeling if your exposed parts accidentally bump into the side of the stall while you are trying to reach for that paper. I mean, I’d like to believe that stall was cleaned before I went to use it, but I know the truth.

So to you bathroom stall designers out there, would you do us a favor and make the stalls just a little bigger. This is a case where less (as in fewer stalls) and bigger is better. If you are thinking about telling me to lose weight so I can navigate these tiny toilets stalls well you shutta you face ‘cause I ain’t fat-I’m just big boned!

Teachers with guns

Now that that is out of the way, lets talk about teachers with guns.

So this Parkland thing got me to thinking. At first I was all for teachers carrying guns. But then I started thinking about some of the teachers I’d had over the years and in hindsight, I don’t think that’s such a good idea. teacher meme

So let me tell you about some of them. I have changed the names to protect their progeny from embarrassment. So once upon a time there was my fifth grade homeroom teacher. He was going through some things as we discovered when he began crying during class and yelling at us because his wife was leaving him and his water heater had busted and left his basement flooded. He banged on students desks, while ranting because someone was talking during his discourse. That dude is a case study for why teachers shouldn’t have guns.

Then there was my sixth grade English teacher who like to torture students by hitting them with wooden spoons or making them stand in corners with their fists in their mouths and one foot in the air if they misbehaved. If their foot touched the floor during their time out-watch out, ‘cause that wooden spoon would be like “WHACK!” I’m not kidding. Parents knew about her and didn’t care either. You know what, she was an awesome English teacher and had very few discipline problems-buuuuuuuuut I still don’t think she should carry a gun in school. Boy can you imagine the tortures she would have thought up if she’d been packin’?

Let’s see, back then just about every principal was a mini dictator. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying these were bad people, but it’s a bit disconcerting to know your principals held contest to see who’s paddle had the potential to cause the most anguish, pain, and suffering to a student. We are talking about people who would put holes in them to make them swing faster. Have them made out of fiberglass, or put nails on one side and hang it on the wall for kids to see. In my day, going to the principals office them was a real threat and truly a thing to be feared. Today’s most feared dictators could learn a thing or two from these guys. Although, some schools might need a principal like this, ‘cause you’re gonna definitely think twice before you cut up in class or bully another student. Nevertheless, at the end of the day I wouldn’t want have wanted those guys carrying guns. They took waaaaaaay too much pleasure out of beating the hell out of kids with those paddles. I don’t even want to think about how they would have been with a gun.

I don’t pretend to have any answers to today’s school violence and I don’t envy the school administrators who have to come up with solutions. Even if they decide to arm teachers. I just hope none of them are like Mr. C., my middle school art teacher who got caught up in a porn scandal on the day his boyfriend left him for his best friends underage daughter.

*This post is not intended to advocate for gun control or to disavow it-to take sides for one, or be against the other. Its just my thoughts about some real teachers I have had and the above stories are only scratching the surface. In general though, I have had some really great teachers and even the best among them have a lot on their plate already without adding security guard to an already full plate? Share your thoughts. I’d love to hear from you. I’d like to hear your crazy teacher stories too. I think we could all use a good laugh right about now.