Ode to Spandex: A FUN Ranting on the Way Women Dress Today

RED ALERT-“PLEASE DON’T Get all pissy on me people.  I want to state before you read that I am a plus size girl poking fun at myself.  So don’t march in front of my house and send me a bunch of hate mail.  If you don’t have a sense of humor, please stop reading right now.”-Lena

I just can’t take it anymore!  Women, please-LEARN HOW TO DRESS and CARRY YOURSELF LIKE A WOMAN! 

Please take note of the following:

Spandex is not your friend! Alright, so look, if you are a size 14 and up ( as I myself am)-stop trying to squeeze your behind into a pair of spandex. I do not care what the horny thing that passes for a man says who is sitting next to you right now is saying: spandex on a plus size woman is not a good look!  Please don’t email me telling me I don’t understand.  I am a full figured girl.  I get it.  But some things we just shouldn’t do!

Just ‘cause they make it, don’t mean you’ve got to wear it!-Seriously, just because it is hanging on the rack does not mean it is for you! Put it back!  I mean it-RIGHT NOW!

Now-you can make it work, but it’s got to be done right. Wearing them with long shirts, under skirt or dresses works as in.  See photo below.

See queen Latifah.  Now that’s a plus size girl rockin’ itplus-size-dresses-to-wear-with-leggings-5-queen-latifah

For more examples of what works visit: http://cleida.com/album/plus-size-tops-for-leggings.html

Two piece bathing suits are for skinny teens, really fit adults, and supermodels! Everybody else, please, do the world a favor and stick to one pieces, skirted one pieces, and tankini’s. FYI-If your fat rolls cannot fit inside the tankini-IT AIN”T FOR YOU!  Put it back!

Donuts are for the donut shop.  If the rolls cannot fit inside the jeans-MAYBE THEY ARE TOO SMALL!  Stop it.

Nobody wants to see your boobs! Okay, so maybe your man, some hot in the pants teenage boys, and the pervert next door; but for the rest of us, would you mind putting them back in the cage! It might have passed for sexy when you were 20, but at 45-Lets all repeat after me, “IT’S NOT A GOOD LOOK.”  Oh, and if your breast are bearing tattoos-for the record can I just say “OUCH!” You are one tough cookie.

Belly Buttons-Again, tolerable on women in their 20’s and those with flat abs; everyone else dagnabit wear a longer shirt!

Painted on Tight Jeans-We left them behind in 1984.  Send them back to the future.

Pajamas and slippers-People, these are for the bedroom; but keep on and they are going to be for BEDBUGS! There is a reason why you take your clothes off at night and take a shower.  Why don’t you just announce to the world, “I’m NASTY and I don’t bathe!”

Doo Rags, Scarves, and Bandanas– Okay, a decorative head wrap is a fashion statement. A hat or cap is cool. Everything else is just trifling! Either comb your head or stay home.  Say it with me, “NOT A GOOD LOOK!”

Thongs aren’t for me because I feel that body parts need a buffer zone, but as long as you don’t wear a bright thong under light pants it’s all good.

Women, I’m just saying to quote a phrase from Fat Albert and the Cosby kids let’s not be like school in the summertime,” NO CLASS!”

Okay So I am going to end with the following poem I wrote entitled, Ode to Spandex.  If you are angry by the time you finish reading it, then all it means is that you have some some spandex you need to throw away.

Ode to Spandex

By Lena Arnold

Spandex o’ spandex,

thou wert once my friend

But now t’is time for the

love affair to end.

My rolls are too rolly

for me to pretend;

that I will ever look good

in spandex again.

Why I still try to fit in them,

I will never know.

Should have known it was over

when the fat started to show.

My thighs are too thick!

My belly too jelly!

It’s done lapped over my waist!

My butt is too big!

My waist is too wide!

Spilling up and over the place!

So spandex I’m sorry,

though I do wish you well.

But I can no longer put you

Over my fleshly shell.

If your portly friend is in spandex

even if those clothes fit;

tell her just cause they make it

don’t mean you must wear it.

Some material, well

it just ain’t for us.

Leave spandex to skinny girls

‘cause they ain’t for size plus.

T’is no shame in admittance,

for some things just be so.

No need for repentance,

spandex just gots to go!

So spandex

O’ spandex

I bid you adieu.

I pass you on to a bony chick,

who I hope will be good to you.

Not pair you with a t-shirt

and pretend it’s a dress.

With a belt and high heels,

‘cause that’s just a hot mess.

I just hope and pray

she’ll be better to you.

And look better in spandex

Than a big girl like me do!

FYI-I do rock in some leggings and spandex-BUT I DOES IT RIGHT!!!!!!! smiley

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